Tag: positive psychology

Press the Reset Button Everyday

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Every day is different to the next. Certain situations that happen one day that don’t occur on the next. A variety of people (at times) appear for whatever reason that we need to converse with, and challenges arise that require our attention and problem solving abilities. Sometimes some circumstances can be so intense, so challenging, that we carry them on our shoulders for days. Like a cartoon that continues to replay in the backs of our minds as we try to focus on our work or whatever it is we’re doing. But what if we could consciously press the reset button each day?

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Start from Zero

This is a term I think is appealing in different aspects. First, beginning from zero means you’ve rid yourself of expectations, emotions and thoughts on how something is going to unfold. When you do this, you allow space for whatever actually happens, to happen. Of course, positive visualisations can always help but perhaps release them once done and don’t get attached. Instead, accept how a particular circumstance, situation or person proliferates in reality and not get caught up in disappointments. You will be well more equipped to deal with a situation as it arises as you become more flexible and elastic with all kind of occurrences with life. Approaching all things with an open mind means you’ll learn more and be calmer as well in the midst of whatever is going on.

The only way to do this is by consciously letting go of whatever has hurt us, disturbed us or otherwise has thrown us off from our normal mode or way of being. The best way of doing this is ‘catching it in the net’ as it comes. This was stated pretty well on an episode of Soulful Sunday where Michael Singer said to let the things people say pass through us without resistance or cause for defence.

One good thing to remember that when a particular person conveys to us in a manner that is hurtful or otherwise not favourable, it can be in many situations a reflection of how they are with themselves. This can help to take the poison out of their bite so to speak.

People tend to give themselves away in a million different ways and there is little need to allow for it to disturb how you are with yourself. Let the chain of reaction of hurt end with you, let it pass through you.

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To be Resilient yet Loving

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Your life is measured by your experiences and what you learn from them. At times, you may find yourself in a testing situation that has happened several times before, and it’s because life is basically prodding you with that same stick again to see what it is that you’ve learned. It’s essentially asking if you can handle that very situation differently now.

The ultimatum I believe it’s looking for is your uncanny ability to be able to be resilient and strong yet vulnerable and loving. And not giving into the hard wall that wants to be built around you. To-be-resilient-yet-lovingIt’s about going through excruciating pain from others yet still seeing above it all and knowing that there are people out there deserving of your love. It’s about staying vulnerable and keeping your heart open despite the agony inflicted by others. It’s terrifying. It’s brave and there are no promises. But I can promise you strength if you do it.

The resilience comes from letting things move around you while you stay centred.

I’ve found during stressful times to focus on my breath and on the centre of my chest to keep me grounded. I’ve found that letting critical feedback from others slide right off my back and keep going regardless; acting like a mesh where it merely passes through without affecting me in any way.

It’s an ongoing balancing act of accumulating learning, and not just accumulating but acting on those key learnings. Because life doesn’t just care that you learn, it cares that you act on what you learn. What I’ve realised is that learning is not enough – you must apply through action. When this is done you’ll transform your life and how you live. Once you stay loyal and true to yourself and your wisdom, it will work with you.

I sometimes get the sense that there is an acknowledgement by the universe that when your intentions are authentic, it helps in a number of little ways. A complimentary product when you buy something nice for yourself, or perhaps an old friend contacting you to meet up. It somehow knows you’re doing the best that you can, and loving as much as you can. And you know what? That’s enough.

Walking the Courageous Path

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Walking that crucial path means being more risky and take actions that are against your status quo. You begin to move in foreign lands and you build new road maps of your life. Consequently, it becomes more accurate, colourful yet deep and meaningful like contour numbers conveying depth.
If you do this long and consistently enough (being sure to comfort and reassure yourself along the way), you begin to realise how illusory your fear really is. As it fades, possibility grows. Liberated, you realise how you thought, act and generally how you were previously was so unnecessary. You stop self identifying with the past.

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Travelling, for example, was one of my biggest first leaps of faith that required courage, resilience and trust in myself and for whatever was in store for me. I learned that the world is not as scary as the news makes it out to be, and people are mostly good no matter what continent you’re on. I learned indirectly from counselling to be courageous in extending love to others and at times, I’ve even caught people by surprise by my openness with them because I know on some deep level, they resonate with my honesty. I learned from writing a book that nothing is not too late to pursue if you have the courage to implement it. If it doesn’t work out, there is always the small comfort of knowing that you tried. But the important part is that you tried and learned instead of allowing fear to swallow the energy you could have used to go for it.

To have fear and do something anyway stems from our core which is determined to grow. Serious growth can be spurred on from our defining sweaty moments of anxiety, uncertainty and self doubt. These definitive moments are intrinsic to your development of identity and self.

What I would say is lean into experiences that we’re afraid of doing and don’t run away from them. In every situation there is a key learning for you and the more experiences you accumulate, the wiser you are and not only that, you begin to see how strong you really are. And you will be shocked.
Your strength is demonstrated and vindicated through practice, whether it’s through a breakup or losing a job. The critical factor here is that you realise it. Once you do, there’s no going back. Fear is reduced, if not eradicated and it’s taunting doesn’t influence you as much. Love can be found in more places than you realised and you see people have the ability to react to love from others, even strangers. You will see things and people for how they really are, not how you thought they were.

The more codes you break the more you come to know yourself, and the world. And I think you will do humanity a great service in doing so.

‘Now you are no longer caught
in the obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.
Now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.’
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Self Value from Within, Not Others

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When faced with a challenge or situation, I’ve realised that one of the first ports to call is checking your internal strength; your self love and acceptance.

I became anxious recently when faced with a new challenge that involved managing others, and was put into a leadership related position – something I had little to no experience in. Ultimately, it was a real test of how much faith and belief I had in myself and my capability.

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Because I was unsure of myself, it came across very strongly to others and because they verified this back to me, it only became stronger to the point where I was afraid to take any course of action, or apply any kind of solid decision or solution.

I basically froze.

I spent some time agonising over this whilst being really disappointed in myself. Continually refilling myself with negative emotions, it morphed into a vicious cycle that I kept feeding.

Only when I talked it over with someone did I manage to emotionally untangle myself and gain a more objective, less fearful perspective on the situation. It involved detaching my value from what others thought of me and realised that was the key reason for my perception of self inadequacy and my fear in taking action. The fear of being doubted and questioned by others froze me and deprived me of opportunity for growth and learning.

All I can say is that you need to be prepared to be wrong, to make mistakes and not judge yourself because of it. Once you do it’s game over and you’re back in the cycle. Acceptance for your humanity and treating yourself like you would a friend in distress is key. No self criticising is going to make you feel any better so why do it?

View yourself like a plant that needs nurturing and watering. How you do this is focusing on self acceptance and self love, a place where there is no judge, jury or barristers. A place only you can take yourself. Everything else stems from this and will influence the choices you make and life is too short for anything else.

Once I realised all this I was then ‘unfrozen’ to take action, and achieved enough mental clarity to realise what I had to do. I devised the next steps for my group and then took action.

Letting go of being self conscious of what others think of you frees you up enough to focus on acceptance of yourself and from that, confidence. Don’t let the small things stop you.

Loving Yourself and Finding Your Calling

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In the midst of my struggle in liking someone, I knew and felt the torment and lamentation of knowing I’ll never be able to have a relationship with this person. The pain of it in my chest was unbearable.

I began to wonder why such a powerful, obsessive attraction that is so strong it cancels me completely, and makes it difficult for me to concentrate on anything, regardless of the time of day? How did this make me so blind?

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As I sank deep into myself in meditation, I explored and found something profound. What materialised out of this conundrum, this dark ether, was the plain simple fact that I Saw this person. I saw their vulnerabilities and it wasn’t my eyes that Saw it; it was my heart. And it was only because I opened up my heart to them that I was able to see that.

We can’t acknowledge people’s vulnerabilities in a humane, understandable and accepting way if we don’t see it from the heart. There and then, I realised that I accepted that person with loving feelings because I acknowledged them not mind to mind, but heart to heart. I also saw some of myself in them, making this connection even stronger.

Once I came to this realisation, something else profound happened. I felt a bursting sensation of love coursing through my body and I knew in that moment I had touched on something deep, like a massive root beneath a tree that goes unnoticed beneath the ground but is of huge significance.

The tree root was love, and it is something we rarely show to the world above. It pumps away giving life to the tree but it’s work goes largely unappreciated and and noticed unlike the smaller, more insignificant roots above are given the limelight.

I noticed how strange it was in how we strive to keep it under wraps.

In that moment, I completely loved and accepted myself as I was. Whether it was obsessing over someone or other perceived wrong doings and things I still think I’m doing wrong, it didn’t matter. Because no matter what, it was all ok.

From this came one final realisation; to spread it. To give it out into the world and from somewhere deep within or deep beyond I found a calling of some sort. A calling to connect people, to unify and strengthen the relationships between humankind. To foster, facilitate and act as a conduit of love. For everyone to realise we are all one. It’s in the silence that we come to know our purpose.

And is there any other kind of calling more beautiful than that?

The Illusion of Immortality

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Death is an uncomfortable subject. It’s awkward. It’s unsettling. Rarely do we ever look beyond our present moment to our final one, and yet it exists for all of us. We are all stamped with an expiration date, none is getting out of here alive.

It’s important to recognise death, what we would perceive as our untimely ending not as a disaster mission, but as merely transition. However it’s easier to forget what looms on the horizon for each of our individual lives and to forget the traditional depiction of a skeleton with the scythe and hood. Pretend it doesn’t exist.

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Growth and decay happens to all life.

When people recount on stories of illness or some other tragedy that befalls them, I sometimes read or hear them say, ‘I never thought it would happen to me’. We hold a similar attitude towards death. We are only willing to deal with it when it’s here, as unwelcomed guest.

The Far East has a more interesting and open-minded approach to death. In some places, the dead are brought through the streets in open coffins for all to see, there is an element of acceptance that the person has ‘moved on’ instead of ‘died’.

The West is an entirely different story. In movies, survivors are depicted as the people who ‘made it’ or survived a disastrous situation, let’s say for example, the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ (a spectacular example!). What the audience doesn’t see are the years they spend seeing a psychiatrist trying to put the traumatic memories behind them and prepare themselves for a life living with survivor’s guilt. I’m not dissing these action films however, what I find more and more is that people cling to life. Call it the survival instinct I suppose. It’s like they can’t bear or cope with the reality they will eventually have to face. They would prefer to loom an illusion of immortality around themselves, a twilight zone that they cannot remain in.

In one of the books that I have recommended on my website, the author refers to death as someone on your left shoulder who can provide you counsel, if you’re willing to listen. If you’re aware of your immortality it can make you very frank with life, and by that I mean real about it.

A lot of people fall into jobs they don’t like, marry people they don’t truly love and make choices that aren’t in line with their integrity, values or their heart. Y’know your heart? You do have one! I don’t know about you but I get the impression they’re almost sleeping through their lives. And then they die.

I tend to find death as a way of reminding me of the little time I have on this planet and whether there is an afterlife or not is of no relevance. For me, it’s about getting my ducks in a row and hitting on the target points that my heart has set out for me this time round, and not my head. For I think I followed it too much so far in my life.

Setting up this blog and website was my heart’s choice, my mind merely implemented the decision for me through knowledge, coordination and analysing. It’s good when these two work in unison. 😉

What are your thoughts around death? Or is there an ideal way of living? As I believe that ideal way differs from one person to another.

A Simple Guide to Meditation

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‘Ommmmmmmm.’

Just joking. But really there’s a reason this practice has been around for so long. It’s very effective, at least it can be when you put in the effort. Let the Q&A session ensue!

mediation-blog
Meditate in nature when you can

You say: Meditation is haaaard.

I know. That is why you start small. Don’t begin with high expectations thinking you’ll be sitting there for an hour glimpsing into the secrets of the universe, they do exist, but that comes with perseverance, patience and time 😉 Commit 5 minutes each morning and eventually you’ll naturally fall into 10, 15 and then longer.

Is it worth it? 

Definitely, depending on what you put into it determines what you get out of it. Like life itself, it’s that simple. For me personally, I’ve found it gives me great perception over myself and my thought patterns and emotional tendencies which can be very empowering. It improves your focus and makes you a calmer person.

‘The thing about meditation is: you become more and more you.’ – David Lynch

My mind won’t shut up. 

Good. That’s natural. And it will be like that for a while. A key practise you could do to get yourself ahead is to instead of being engaged with your thoughts, simply watch them. Taking an outside stance like watching a circus performance. Don’t judge, don’t analyse, just watch. Another way of trying is projecting it onto a massive cinema screen in front of you and you watch it like a film. It gives you a stance of objectivity and a whole new view of yourself.

How do I start? 

Yes – you got to this part! Get a meditation cushion or chair. Sitting on the floor hurts the backside and we’ve all sat through Lord of the Rings. Nobody wants that. It will eventually act as an external stimulus that will trigger your brain to prepare your mind for meditating.

Hmm. Ok, maybe I’ll start.

Go for it! 🙂

Let me know what experiences any you guys have, especially when starting off. When I began a few years ago, I did so with a small book containing easy to-do exercises for 10-15 minutes before progressing for longer.

For additional tips you can try the Psychology Today website – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201303/5-meditation-tips-beginners.

meditation, spirituality, journaling

All Life is in Transition…

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We’re all learners. From a very early age we begin to grow and there is value in it. So why do we not heed certain new information as it arises? Example time. When I was younger I loved to write, but decided that I wouldn’t earn any money from it and needed to be more practical and career focused. Fast forward ten years later and I’ve now turned my back on working for other companies and I’m now doing my own thing. I’ve written my first book out of what will be a trilogy and currently looking to get it published. But I learned that it wasn’t meant for me and was more suited to a different lifestyle and took action. And it takes courage.

Life can be like that. It’s continuous tweaking and adjusting, but as we do that, are we doing it correctly? Through synchronous events, life throws us hints on where we should be or like to go, opportunities arise and we turn them away based mainly on fear. Fear of what could go wrong, what other people will think and of failure. That last one is hard isn’t it? Not only cause it hurts but it’s amplified when it’s social. We don’t want others to see us fall flat on our face.

However, the difference is when you get up.