Tag: mindfulness

Grow Through Fear

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I had developed a fear of flying after spending one year abroad. The anxiety never seemed to leave me before and during take off. Those long minutes are tricky, challenging and I always, always have the worse case scenario overplaying in my head even before the wheels leave the tarmac. It usually involves me panicking and clawing for the door, begging staff to let me off. I was determined to figure out how to handle it.

turning-into-your-fear
‘What you resist, persists.’ – Carl Jung

These particular thoughts and feelings are unpleasant to say the least. But hours before I was to travel by plane, I decided a meditation session could help my nerves and the result was that it put things in perspective.

I focused on the details that made me feel panicky the most – the height the plane would be travelling at, the enclosure of a small space with lots of people with no option to leave and the fear I would lose control of myself and have some kind of panic attack. At first it was very difficult and uncomfortable to look at each of them – and that’s when I realised that was exactly my problem. I wouldn’t look at them or acknowledge their existence. The fact I kept resisting them and pushing them away was what increased them in size. It’s like with any phobia or disorder – it starts off small and is then avoided and feared to the point of extremity. I saw how I was contributing to the fear by fearing what would happen (assuming the future), and secondly by trying to deny or push these fears down. Because of this, it festered.

Resistance to fear entangles us.

In order to give peace to myself and to take a first step to transcending these fears, I needed to acknowledge them in a friendly way. I needed to make space for them within myself and house them. I learned that we need to make friends with our fears just as easily as we find it easy to make friends with feelings of happiness.

I travelled to the airport that day in a state of peace that I hadn’t felt in a while, and it made me realise that adversity forces us to rise to higher standards of resilience and courage that we never realise we possessed. These fearful situations not only call for our approaching wisdom, but also acceptance of the uncomfortable. Because for all those long minutes during take off, I was proud of myself for facing it and the holiday I received for a few moments of discomfort was worth it.

Resisting the negative only seems to double its efforts, accepting them helps us move through them more quickly and experience positivity again.

Fears are the dirty underside of the coin that most of us do not want to look at. But we give them power when we refuse their presence, and treat them as an inconvenience for us; but what if we could work with them to relinquish them? Having fear teaches us courage, being sad makes us appreciate the moments when we are happy. The negative and positive compliment each other in the same way as Ying Yang do. I believe if I give my fears their space within long enough, I may eventually find that space unoccupied.

The experience can be almost perfectly encapsulated by the famous poem by Rumi:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

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Feeling Your Way Through Fears

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I have been challenged recently with a variety of different fears that reflect my current position in life, and secondly regarding particular people in it. I have found it’s so easy to lose control and be scared into submission and inaction, especially when there’s a few of them knocking down your door.

Transcendingthroughfears
Feel your way through the fear.

In a bid to manage them, I found I had to confront them. I did this through one hour of meditation where I focused on relaxing my body, then moving onto my breathing and then finally the fears.

I let each one of them rise up, taking the time to focus on each one individually and as objectively as I could. I find we naturally tend to ignore and push away our fears by default, so at this point I found it was good for me to acknowledge them and realise why they were there. Every fear has it’s own reason and right for it’s presence and needs to be respected if you want move on from it.

Once each one was recognised, I found a sense of relief. As though the tension I had felt that was mounting shrank, although didn’t go away altogether.

Knowing the reason for their presence allowed me to accept them more as I knew their individual place in my life then; it was in essence trying to protect me from something.

In the process I learnt where the fears were stemming from.

  • What you assume other people think of you or will think of you. This is a classic and never goes away for me. I remind myself that other’s thoughts are their own responsibility to maintain and not mine. They’re affected by what they think but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to be as well. There will always be the odd few who don’t accept you but remember it falls in low priority when you look at the grand scheme of life. Happiness, gratitude, openness and love, these are things more deserving of your attention. You’re not living on this planet for very long.
  • What you assume people will do to you. This is a hard one, especially if previous experience has shown their capabilities of hurting you and how well they can do it. For this, I assured myself that I would maintain strong boundaries and always look after and respect myself first no matter what. You will always be vulnerable to some degree and that’s part of being human, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t walk away or that you’re incapable of healing yourself. Remember your power of choice. Pain can’t be avoided in life, but you can give yourself what you need to a certain extent.
  • What you assume is going to happen. True events unfold in the present only and not in your imagination. I’ve found I need to stay in the present and trust myself to be able handle whatever comes at me as it comes at me. If you can do what is outlined in the second point, this shouldn’t be too hard.

As per usual, rarely any of my fears manifest into reality because they’re usually an unconscious reaction to a situation or person that has particular history behind it. It doesn’t mean it can’t happen again, but it’s an opportunity for a new reaction from within. Whether that is pushing up boundaries, giving less value to other’s thoughts and opinions or another workable solution.

The only way to build new neural pathways is to recognise the old ones for what they are, accept them and their current relevance in your life and start to build new ones. Surprisingly, I told someone who I was afraid of that I loved them, because I knew deep down beyond past the fear that I did, and I got an amazing reaction from them which leads me to my final insight.

The best answer to fear is love.

Press the Reset Button Everyday

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Every day is different to the next. Certain situations that happen one day that don’t occur on the next. A variety of people (at times) appear for whatever reason that we need to converse with, and challenges arise that require our attention and problem solving abilities. Sometimes some circumstances can be so intense, so challenging, that we carry them on our shoulders for days. Like a cartoon that continues to replay in the backs of our minds as we try to focus on our work or whatever it is we’re doing. But what if we could consciously press the reset button each day?

press-the-reset-button

Start from Zero

This is a term I think is appealing in different aspects. First, beginning from zero means you’ve rid yourself of expectations, emotions and thoughts on how something is going to unfold. When you do this, you allow space for whatever actually happens, to happen. Of course, positive visualisations can always help but perhaps release them once done and don’t get attached. Instead, accept how a particular circumstance, situation or person proliferates in reality and not get caught up in disappointments. You will be well more equipped to deal with a situation as it arises as you become more flexible and elastic with all kind of occurrences with life. Approaching all things with an open mind means you’ll learn more and be calmer as well in the midst of whatever is going on.

The only way to do this is by consciously letting go of whatever has hurt us, disturbed us or otherwise has thrown us off from our normal mode or way of being. The best way of doing this is ‘catching it in the net’ as it comes. This was stated pretty well on an episode of Soulful Sunday where Michael Singer said to let the things people say pass through us without resistance or cause for defence.

One good thing to remember that when a particular person conveys to us in a manner that is hurtful or otherwise not favourable, it can be in many situations a reflection of how they are with themselves. This can help to take the poison out of their bite so to speak.

People tend to give themselves away in a million different ways and there is little need to allow for it to disturb how you are with yourself. Let the chain of reaction of hurt end with you, let it pass through you.

To Embrace the New, We Must Let Go of the Old

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New brings challenge and untested waters and calls on us to act and behave in certain ways we may not have done before. They can collide with closely held beliefs about the self and the world which can see an individual struggling with a transition from a previous situation into a new one. A person in this phase is essentially building new neural pathways in their brain and it takes much more work to lay down bricks by oneself as opposed to old ones that may have been laid down by our family, friends and other people we have experienced over the course of our lives. Embracing the new means rewiring our brains. And that’s hard.

To-Embrace-the-New

Challenging closely held beliefs takes extra effort and a good scoop of bravery. For me, it’s a course I’m doing at the moment in starting your own business. I’ve always worked for employers so it demands of me a completely new perspective on risk, acquiring essential skills never practiced before e.g. team building, leadership and weathering through a series of emotional hurdles (e.g. anxiety) that I never expected.

Through all of this, I’ve had to teach myself self-compassion and patience for myself and others. I’ve had to try new techniques to manage my anxiety and maintain an open mind towards the other people on my course.

I’ve found that once I started to let go of a variety of issues that have arose as a result of being on the course, I had Feng Shuied the clutter in my mind and had more space within to allow for new information and ways of outlook. I then began to practice something called ‘Bracketing’, a term referenced in a book called The Road Less Travelled.

‘Bracketing’ refers to whenever someone is experiencing something new for the first time, that they practice a self-disciplining technique of leaving their past experiences, prejudices and other experiences at the door so there is no room for comparison and observe whatever is going on in a non-judgemental way. This leaves ample room for more learning and seeing things/people as they really are.

Another interesting approach is what Buddhists call The Beginner’s Mind. It’s a state of mind where there is no mental attachment to achievements or the self and all possibilities are accepted. The mind is empty and filled with compassion.

I’ve personally found these kinds of practices difficult, as my mind always wants to race off on it’s own tangent and switch back to default mode. But what I’ve gained from using approaches has been unreal. Your perspective on yourself and the world completely changes you, and you are altered permanently. I have by no means mastered them and my mind still runs on it’s default Grand Prix race most of the time. But I’ve had glimpses and insight enough to know they are worth attaining and you take this with you everywhere.

You find on this kind of journey that choices you made previously on your life are non-nonsensical and you begin to become the master of your own life. You eventually move to a place where you are totally in control of your life. Certainly, not all events and people that are in it but insofar as within the capacity of yourself and actions.

Once you move to that final stage people will be naturally drawn to you, unconsciously moving towards you because your way of life is what they want themselves, whether they know it or not.

Overcoming Obstacles in a Hostile Environment

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My mental health has been severely tested several times by those closest to me, resulting in moments of high anxiety. I was constantly getting anxious thoughts about what would happen to me in the future. 

Overcoming-obstacles

My natural state of mind and emotion is not anxious – it is the actions of others that heighten it to a point where it began to happen sporadically regardless of what was going on in my environment, and that’s when I knew it was spilling into my life and affecting how I behaved.

How I got through this very difficult time (and now still) came down to a few things:

  • Self acceptance. Accepting that I was anxious more so than most people was difficult to accept, especially when everyone else ‘seemed ok’ (I say it that way because a lot of people to some degree are not what they put themselves out to be).
  • Mindfulness. I had to start watching my thoughts and heighten my sense of self awareness. I did this through meditation each morning, regardless of what was going on. It’s pretty difficult, especially when there’s a part of me that crying inside and distraught over what has happened or is happening. But gaining a perspective and recognising my anxious thoughts was the first step to being free of it. It allowed for an objective knowing leading to an acceptance that it’s there.
  • Space. I gave it to myself in the form of time and giving myself space around all the traumatism I had been experiencing, and an almost solemn yet peaceful acceptance of it. I basically took my own side instead of parenting myself harshly through shitty self talk. I moved to a place of self love and allowed myself to wallow and feel the pain before moving on.
  • Loving Others. This I have found always comes afterwards – once you completely accept and love yourself, it naturally extends to others. Could you imagine what the world would look like if everyone worked on this?
  • Randomly tarot. I bought a pack when I was 16 and although I didn’t know it at the time, it was in itself a form of meditation and looking inward. I understand now why I liked doing the spreads so much, because they offered me additional insight and angles I hadn’t considered before.
  • Perseverance. Acknowledging that life goes up and down, and knowing good times lie ahead, helps in a lot of ways. If you really think about the pain you’ve been through before, you know that it’s possible to emerge intact and stronger than before. We are in essence the sum of our experiences.

A family member asked me once where I got my strength from, this blog post is the answer.

What You Find in the Pinnacle of the Moment

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From observing the curl in a tree branch to walking barefooted in a temple in Thailand, I’ve found that staying with yourself, wherever you are is great for three things; it slows your life down, you worry less and become more confident in your ability overtime to deal with things as they come.

Pinnacle-of-the-moment

I realised as I was walking around the park during one lunch time how life continues on in it’s own way, regardless of whatever is that I may be preoccupied about. It put things in perspective for me as it reminded me of the bigger picture of life outside the microcosm of the endless chatter in my mind. It reminded me that I share the world with all life in a massive biosphere called Earth. It reminded me there is no linear, fixed way of living your life regardless of societal expectations. Human interpretation of what life should be is what makes it complicated.

I watched a stork gaze across a pond dotted with ducks and swans and I wondered what it was thinking. I guessed it was staying in the moment likewise, perhaps revising its surroundings for potential food. It reacts instead of trying to anticipate all kinds of unrealistic scenarios unfolding, which is unfortunately what are brains are geared towards at times.

I found that once I opened myself up to being in the moment, I opened myself up the quiet wisdom it tries to whisper in my ear when I’m working, exercising or reading. Life is the ultimate teacher and we are all it’s students, and that won’t ever stop. It does need to be however, a very patient one!

Patience for Others

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Patience Blog

I’m on a course that focuses a lot on teamwork and I have to say I’ve learned quite a bit in the last few weeks on communicating and working with others effectively. It has highlighted a key issue that I’ve been struggling with: patience.

Why is there a real need for patience with other people? Because for a lot of us we don’t have it. It’s a lot easier to interrupt when others are speaking so that we can blow out the tension of thoughts that form in our mind like dark clouds to a storm. We seem to think that what we’re about to say is more valid than what they’re currently saying and therefore, we stop listening. Game over.

The reason it’s game over is because you’ve fallen into a trap that a lot of people fall for when communicating: impatience. Patience and listening requires self discipline and is attained only through practice, and the realisation that people are not what our judgement tells us they are, and may have a better point to make than what we may be pushing to say. What I’m saying is that they are complex creatures like ourselves, and when we realise this we can then begin to be empathetic. But I’m diverging.

Impatience can be applied to other situations but regarding people it normally boils down to frustration or disagreement with what they’re doing.

I’ve found that concentrating on inner calm regardless of the environment in which I’m operating (takes practice!) and giving space and real estate within myself for others to make their impressions and have their voices heard, has been an effective tool.

It’s also made me an attractive team member to work with and I’ve found myself in quite a lot of demand as a result!
Collaborating is tricky business, but an essential ingredient to the betterment of humankind. Think of when perhaps Martin Luther King had to be patient and flexible with others in his campaigning, or Ghandi’s non-violent protests which resulted in the liberation of a country. There is something to be said for allowing others to express themselves, whilst maintaining your own counsel and having enough sense of knowing when to exercise power. I believe that can only be achieved through our more intuitive side. It’s maturity manifested in full circle, and others do pick up on it.