Category: Spirituality

Letting go of Expectation

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When I was travelling in Florence I found myself on the first day in an old cathedral named Santa Croce, not too far from the famous Ponte Vecchio and the Arno river. It was here that I sensed an unsettling pressure within me and I realised a part of me was feeling overwhelmed from something. Noticing the opportunity to explore and relieve whatever it was I was feeling I sat down in one of the pews, as other tourists wandered around gazing at the tombs of Niccolò Machiavelli and Galileo and various artworks.

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Learn to let go of expectations as they arise, and accept what is to be.

The discomfort came from a pressure I was putting on myself to do everything I possibly could in the short time I was there, and my investigation into this made me realise how impossible and unrealistic this expectation was. This demand I had placed upon myself was in a hurry to see the next sight, treating the break as simply an itinerary to ‘cover’ off, as though I was speeding through a checklist I hadn’t intentionally created.

It was then that I decided to let the burning need to see and do as much as possible go, and when I did, it became clear to me how easy it was for me to enjoy the details of the interior of the grand cathedral I was sitting in. To appreciate the now and what was here, instead of allowing my mind to race onto what was next. I felt such peace and contentment that I just sat in the pew, quietly looking around at the splendor of art and sculptures and the high ceiling. This was what the break was truly for anyway. I didn’t need to do anything, this was good enough and the racing in my mind ceased, allowing me to turn my attention to the details of the now.

Expectation has a two sided purpose, one could be to help us manifest what we want in life and two is a ruminating effect so overwhelming that it begins to drain our happiness in the moment. Perhaps a third purpose is learning to let go of expectations as they arise, and allow what is to be. Everything passes eventually, the good and the bad, and I’ve found the fastest way to contentment is to let go what you think should be and allow for what is. Things we expect to happen exactly as we plan for it rarely ever transpires, it’s called life, but it sets us up for disappointment.

Perhaps there can be faith and belief instead in what is to come, coupled with acceptance for the moment.

We can use the moment as our bedrock, our foundational bottom, to choose how we want to be with ourselves, with others and with life.

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Grow Through Fear

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I had developed a fear of flying after spending one year abroad. The anxiety never seemed to leave me before and during take off. Those long minutes are tricky, challenging and I always, always have the worse case scenario overplaying in my head even before the wheels leave the tarmac. It usually involves me panicking and clawing for the door, begging staff to let me off. I was determined to figure out how to handle it.

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‘What you resist, persists.’ – Carl Jung

These particular thoughts and feelings are unpleasant to say the least. But hours before I was to travel by plane, I decided a meditation session could help my nerves and the result was that it put things in perspective.

I focused on the details that made me feel panicky the most – the height the plane would be travelling at, the enclosure of a small space with lots of people with no option to leave and the fear I would lose control of myself and have some kind of panic attack. At first it was very difficult and uncomfortable to look at each of them – and that’s when I realised that was exactly my problem. I wouldn’t look at them or acknowledge their existence. The fact I kept resisting them and pushing them away was what increased them in size. It’s like with any phobia or disorder – it starts off small and is then avoided and feared to the point of extremity. I saw how I was contributing to the fear by fearing what would happen (assuming the future), and secondly by trying to deny or push these fears down. Because of this, it festered.

Resistance to fear entangles us.

In order to give peace to myself and to take a first step to transcending these fears, I needed to acknowledge them in a friendly way. I needed to make space for them within myself and house them. I learned that we need to make friends with our fears just as easily as we find it easy to make friends with feelings of happiness.

I travelled to the airport that day in a state of peace that I hadn’t felt in a while, and it made me realise that adversity forces us to rise to higher standards of resilience and courage that we never realise we possessed. These fearful situations not only call for our approaching wisdom, but also acceptance of the uncomfortable. Because for all those long minutes during take off, I was proud of myself for facing it and the holiday I received for a few moments of discomfort was worth it.

Resisting the negative only seems to double its efforts, accepting them helps us move through them more quickly and experience positivity again.

Fears are the dirty underside of the coin that most of us do not want to look at. But we give them power when we refuse their presence, and treat them as an inconvenience for us; but what if we could work with them to relinquish them? Having fear teaches us courage, being sad makes us appreciate the moments when we are happy. The negative and positive compliment each other in the same way as Ying Yang do. I believe if I give my fears their space within long enough, I may eventually find that space unoccupied.

The experience can be almost perfectly encapsulated by the famous poem by Rumi:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Press the Reset Button Everyday

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Every day is different to the next. Certain situations that happen one day that don’t occur on the next. A variety of people (at times) appear for whatever reason that we need to converse with, and challenges arise that require our attention and problem solving abilities. Sometimes some circumstances can be so intense, so challenging, that we carry them on our shoulders for days. Like a cartoon that continues to replay in the backs of our minds as we try to focus on our work or whatever it is we’re doing. But what if we could consciously press the reset button each day?

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Start from Zero

This is a term I think is appealing in different aspects. First, beginning from zero means you’ve rid yourself of expectations, emotions and thoughts on how something is going to unfold. When you do this, you allow space for whatever actually happens, to happen. Of course, positive visualisations can always help but perhaps release them once done and don’t get attached. Instead, accept how a particular circumstance, situation or person proliferates in reality and not get caught up in disappointments. You will be well more equipped to deal with a situation as it arises as you become more flexible and elastic with all kind of occurrences with life. Approaching all things with an open mind means you’ll learn more and be calmer as well in the midst of whatever is going on.

The only way to do this is by consciously letting go of whatever has hurt us, disturbed us or otherwise has thrown us off from our normal mode or way of being. The best way of doing this is ‘catching it in the net’ as it comes. This was stated pretty well on an episode of Soulful Sunday where Michael Singer said to let the things people say pass through us without resistance or cause for defence.

One good thing to remember that when a particular person conveys to us in a manner that is hurtful or otherwise not favourable, it can be in many situations a reflection of how they are with themselves. This can help to take the poison out of their bite so to speak.

People tend to give themselves away in a million different ways and there is little need to allow for it to disturb how you are with yourself. Let the chain of reaction of hurt end with you, let it pass through you.

To Embrace the New, We Must Let Go of the Old

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New brings challenge and untested waters and calls on us to act and behave in certain ways we may not have done before. They can collide with closely held beliefs about the self and the world which can see an individual struggling with a transition from a previous situation into a new one. A person in this phase is essentially building new neural pathways in their brain and it takes much more work to lay down bricks by oneself as opposed to old ones that may have been laid down by our family, friends and other people we have experienced over the course of our lives. Embracing the new means rewiring our brains. And that’s hard.

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Challenging closely held beliefs takes extra effort and a good scoop of bravery. For me, it’s a course I’m doing at the moment in starting your own business. I’ve always worked for employers so it demands of me a completely new perspective on risk, acquiring essential skills never practiced before e.g. team building, leadership and weathering through a series of emotional hurdles (e.g. anxiety) that I never expected.

Through all of this, I’ve had to teach myself self-compassion and patience for myself and others. I’ve had to try new techniques to manage my anxiety and maintain an open mind towards the other people on my course.

I’ve found that once I started to let go of a variety of issues that have arose as a result of being on the course, I had Feng Shuied the clutter in my mind and had more space within to allow for new information and ways of outlook. I then began to practice something called ‘Bracketing’, a term referenced in a book called The Road Less Travelled.

‘Bracketing’ refers to whenever someone is experiencing something new for the first time, that they practice a self-disciplining technique of leaving their past experiences, prejudices and other experiences at the door so there is no room for comparison and observe whatever is going on in a non-judgemental way. This leaves ample room for more learning and seeing things/people as they really are.

Another interesting approach is what Buddhists call The Beginner’s Mind. It’s a state of mind where there is no mental attachment to achievements or the self and all possibilities are accepted. The mind is empty and filled with compassion.

I’ve personally found these kinds of practices difficult, as my mind always wants to race off on it’s own tangent and switch back to default mode. But what I’ve gained from using approaches has been unreal. Your perspective on yourself and the world completely changes you, and you are altered permanently. I have by no means mastered them and my mind still runs on it’s default Grand Prix race most of the time. But I’ve had glimpses and insight enough to know they are worth attaining and you take this with you everywhere.

You find on this kind of journey that choices you made previously on your life are non-nonsensical and you begin to become the master of your own life. You eventually move to a place where you are totally in control of your life. Certainly, not all events and people that are in it but insofar as within the capacity of yourself and actions.

Once you move to that final stage people will be naturally drawn to you, unconsciously moving towards you because your way of life is what they want themselves, whether they know it or not.

Loving Yourself and Finding Your Calling

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In the midst of my struggle in liking someone, I knew and felt the torment and lamentation of knowing I’ll never be able to have a relationship with this person. The pain of it in my chest was unbearable.

I began to wonder why such a powerful, obsessive attraction that is so strong it cancels me completely, and makes it difficult for me to concentrate on anything, regardless of the time of day? How did this make me so blind?

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As I sank deep into myself in meditation, I explored and found something profound. What materialised out of this conundrum, this dark ether, was the plain simple fact that I Saw this person. I saw their vulnerabilities and it wasn’t my eyes that Saw it; it was my heart. And it was only because I opened up my heart to them that I was able to see that.

We can’t acknowledge people’s vulnerabilities in a humane, understandable and accepting way if we don’t see it from the heart. There and then, I realised that I accepted that person with loving feelings because I acknowledged them not mind to mind, but heart to heart. I also saw some of myself in them, making this connection even stronger.

Once I came to this realisation, something else profound happened. I felt a bursting sensation of love coursing through my body and I knew in that moment I had touched on something deep, like a massive root beneath a tree that goes unnoticed beneath the ground but is of huge significance.

The tree root was love, and it is something we rarely show to the world above. It pumps away giving life to the tree but it’s work goes largely unappreciated and and noticed unlike the smaller, more insignificant roots above are given the limelight.

I noticed how strange it was in how we strive to keep it under wraps.

In that moment, I completely loved and accepted myself as I was. Whether it was obsessing over someone or other perceived wrong doings and things I still think I’m doing wrong, it didn’t matter. Because no matter what, it was all ok.

From this came one final realisation; to spread it. To give it out into the world and from somewhere deep within or deep beyond I found a calling of some sort. A calling to connect people, to unify and strengthen the relationships between humankind. To foster, facilitate and act as a conduit of love. For everyone to realise we are all one. It’s in the silence that we come to know our purpose.

And is there any other kind of calling more beautiful than that?

Overcoming Obstacles in a Hostile Environment

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My mental health has been severely tested several times by those closest to me, resulting in moments of high anxiety. I was constantly getting anxious thoughts about what would happen to me in the future. 

Overcoming-obstacles

My natural state of mind and emotion is not anxious – it is the actions of others that heighten it to a point where it began to happen sporadically regardless of what was going on in my environment, and that’s when I knew it was spilling into my life and affecting how I behaved.

How I got through this very difficult time (and now still) came down to a few things:

  • Self acceptance. Accepting that I was anxious more so than most people was difficult to accept, especially when everyone else ‘seemed ok’ (I say it that way because a lot of people to some degree are not what they put themselves out to be).
  • Mindfulness. I had to start watching my thoughts and heighten my sense of self awareness. I did this through meditation each morning, regardless of what was going on. It’s pretty difficult, especially when there’s a part of me that crying inside and distraught over what has happened or is happening. But gaining a perspective and recognising my anxious thoughts was the first step to being free of it. It allowed for an objective knowing leading to an acceptance that it’s there.
  • Space. I gave it to myself in the form of time and giving myself space around all the traumatism I had been experiencing, and an almost solemn yet peaceful acceptance of it. I basically took my own side instead of parenting myself harshly through shitty self talk. I moved to a place of self love and allowed myself to wallow and feel the pain before moving on.
  • Loving Others. This I have found always comes afterwards – once you completely accept and love yourself, it naturally extends to others. Could you imagine what the world would look like if everyone worked on this?
  • Randomly tarot. I bought a pack when I was 16 and although I didn’t know it at the time, it was in itself a form of meditation and looking inward. I understand now why I liked doing the spreads so much, because they offered me additional insight and angles I hadn’t considered before.
  • Perseverance. Acknowledging that life goes up and down, and knowing good times lie ahead, helps in a lot of ways. If you really think about the pain you’ve been through before, you know that it’s possible to emerge intact and stronger than before. We are in essence the sum of our experiences.

A family member asked me once where I got my strength from, this blog post is the answer.

What You Find in the Pinnacle of the Moment

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From observing the curl in a tree branch to walking barefooted in a temple in Thailand, I’ve found that staying with yourself, wherever you are is great for three things; it slows your life down, you worry less and become more confident in your ability overtime to deal with things as they come.

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I realised as I was walking around the park during one lunch time how life continues on in it’s own way, regardless of whatever is that I may be preoccupied about. It put things in perspective for me as it reminded me of the bigger picture of life outside the microcosm of the endless chatter in my mind. It reminded me that I share the world with all life in a massive biosphere called Earth. It reminded me there is no linear, fixed way of living your life regardless of societal expectations. Human interpretation of what life should be is what makes it complicated.

I watched a stork gaze across a pond dotted with ducks and swans and I wondered what it was thinking. I guessed it was staying in the moment likewise, perhaps revising its surroundings for potential food. It reacts instead of trying to anticipate all kinds of unrealistic scenarios unfolding, which is unfortunately what are brains are geared towards at times.

I found that once I opened myself up to being in the moment, I opened myself up the quiet wisdom it tries to whisper in my ear when I’m working, exercising or reading. Life is the ultimate teacher and we are all it’s students, and that won’t ever stop. It does need to be however, a very patient one!

Humanity and I, We Are All One

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When I travelled for one year I kept my heart and mind open and there are no words that I can use in this blog post to describe the most humbling, eye-opening and breathtaking moments that I had. It was like I left my home country and asked the universe to show me humanity, although I don’t think I was aware of it at the time. And by god did it respond.

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From the taxi driver in Bangkok who talked to me about teen pregnancy in the capital to an Aboriginal in Australia telling me about how she had no money to feed her children, or the man in Adelaide who was gathering signatures for a petition to help keep jobs. Every person touched me in some way.

I saw what it meant to exist in this world, what it meant to live here. And I realised that there is little difference between me and others who live on the other side of the world.

I saw while I away two common things in the people that I met. One was that they were all searching for something and secondly wanted to connect with someone, to belong. I saw their vulnerabilities and I was humbled by them. I saw humanity in it’s purest form and it was like I was staring at one part of the picture my whole life and then I stood back and saw nearly all of it.

What made part of the experience so enjoyable was that I was curious about people.

I walked around emotionally naked most of the time resulting in me being vulnerable myself and humanity responded in kind, showing me something beautiful. Their acceptance and receptiveness and kindness to a young woman travelling alone. I saw their empathy and understanding and was completely blown away.

I gave my hands over to the universe to let it direct me wherever it wanted me to go. And it was from this sense of being guided yet myself walking the path alone that a blissful state of oneness came over me. Humanity and I, we were all one. Never did I see it so vividly, intimately and fiercely as I did when I was away. And I will always be tremendously grateful for that insight.

The psychology behind one of the most important experiences in my life can be summed up in this very enlightening TED talk below on vulnerability.

The Illusion of Immortality

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Death is an uncomfortable subject. It’s awkward. It’s unsettling. Rarely do we ever look beyond our present moment to our final one, and yet it exists for all of us. We are all stamped with an expiration date, none is getting out of here alive.

It’s important to recognise death, what we would perceive as our untimely ending not as a disaster mission, but as merely transition. However it’s easier to forget what looms on the horizon for each of our individual lives and to forget the traditional depiction of a skeleton with the scythe and hood. Pretend it doesn’t exist.

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Growth and decay happens to all life.

When people recount on stories of illness or some other tragedy that befalls them, I sometimes read or hear them say, ‘I never thought it would happen to me’. We hold a similar attitude towards death. We are only willing to deal with it when it’s here, as unwelcomed guest.

The Far East has a more interesting and open-minded approach to death. In some places, the dead are brought through the streets in open coffins for all to see, there is an element of acceptance that the person has ‘moved on’ instead of ‘died’.

The West is an entirely different story. In movies, survivors are depicted as the people who ‘made it’ or survived a disastrous situation, let’s say for example, the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ (a spectacular example!). What the audience doesn’t see are the years they spend seeing a psychiatrist trying to put the traumatic memories behind them and prepare themselves for a life living with survivor’s guilt. I’m not dissing these action films however, what I find more and more is that people cling to life. Call it the survival instinct I suppose. It’s like they can’t bear or cope with the reality they will eventually have to face. They would prefer to loom an illusion of immortality around themselves, a twilight zone that they cannot remain in.

In one of the books that I have recommended on my website, the author refers to death as someone on your left shoulder who can provide you counsel, if you’re willing to listen. If you’re aware of your immortality it can make you very frank with life, and by that I mean real about it.

A lot of people fall into jobs they don’t like, marry people they don’t truly love and make choices that aren’t in line with their integrity, values or their heart. Y’know your heart? You do have one! I don’t know about you but I get the impression they’re almost sleeping through their lives. And then they die.

I tend to find death as a way of reminding me of the little time I have on this planet and whether there is an afterlife or not is of no relevance. For me, it’s about getting my ducks in a row and hitting on the target points that my heart has set out for me this time round, and not my head. For I think I followed it too much so far in my life.

Setting up this blog and website was my heart’s choice, my mind merely implemented the decision for me through knowledge, coordination and analysing. It’s good when these two work in unison. 😉

What are your thoughts around death? Or is there an ideal way of living? As I believe that ideal way differs from one person to another.