Transformation Through Trials
In the Tarot, it’s generally thought that the Death card is the card you don’t want to get. It’s poppycock. Death represents endings and therefore, new beginnings, which isn’t always a bad thing.
The card you DON’T want to get is the Tower. The Tower is the disaster card. It represents a particularly bad situation that could befall you, for example, a close loved-one suddenly dying, losing your house or ending of a relationship.
I draw this association of the Tower with events that transpired over the past few weeks in my professional occupation.
The pain it spurred led to a type of breakdown mixed with depression, and left me sombre and regarding my circumstances soberly.
Weeks passed and eventually I found at its core, my following underlying issues:
- Imposter Syndrome. Fear of being found out and not good enough by others, therefore rejected.
- Social Anxiety. Feeling and belief of being lower than others.
- Low Self-Worth. Others judgement of me particularly influenced this.
- Loss of Identity. Allowing others opinions to flood me so I don’t even know what I think or feel about particular things/topics.
- Low Self-Esteem. One false move and it ‘was all over’ mentality.
- Self judgement. To the point it hampered my productiveness; the blade I hold at my back is no joke.
I’ve caved a few times already over these, and working in a professional capacity throws fuel on a kind of already deadly fire that only burns myself. And I’m not out of the woods yet.
However, I journaled furiously for two hours yesterday to make sense of the how, the what and the why. But my Tower incident highlighted in sharp contrasts what I wanted versus what I didn’t want, and more importantly, pre-existing beliefs about myself and the world that needed a serious reality check.
It took a shitty situation to reassert my self-worth (and maybe listening to a few Brene Brown’s audiobooks!), and to not just lull through my professional career but to figure out where next I wanted to steer my sails.
I’ve realised time and time again, how adulthood (possibly when reaching middle-age) is where the hustle begins to tame and relinquish baseline beliefs that hinder growth.
I know I’ve written a few blog posts already, similar to what’s outlined above, but if nothing else, I’ve found that if you haven’t learned from the past and adjusted accordingly, the same situation will play out again until you do – life’s patient teaching method :).
And the passing of time doesn’t simply mean it goes away. It goes away when you drop your smoking guns, recognise and acknowledge it’s there and don’t turn from it in shame.
I had a similar issue pop up when my step-dad died two years ago and I can’t help but draw comparison here.
For a while, the situation felt hopeless, but I’ve found the kick I got pushed me to raise my standards and open myself to new opportunities and change (nothing like crap circumstances to crave change, believe me).
I left the structured world of immediate reality, and put one foot in the fluid world of possibility, a wilderness that excited me a little. Enough to keep going.
Enough to look at those courses.
Enough to figure out what I wanted to do.
Enough to not push away any option.
I’ve persisted enough at it that I’ve got ideas forming and more options coming to me (amazing how the universe loves to accommodate positive change).
If I’ve learnt anything, it’s that I’m not a settler. I’ve tried, tried so damn hard to be like the people who can stay in a job for more than 3 years (I haven’t). But there is a restless pioneer within me that is always scouting the horizons and when I’ve to pushed it down, I’ve only hurt myself and by god do I owe myself a huge apology for it.
Because it’s in my blood, my innate nature.
And I know now that to go against it is to rebel against your spirit, the invisible fundamental that makes you, you.
And there is no place for peace, until it’s Call is answered.
That’s what this disaster gave me.
What did yours give you?