For the past few months I found myself being in a state where as time went on, more and more of my happiness and sense of contentment became attached to external success i.e. the succession of building a great company or getting my book published. I placed too much value and weight on these outcomes which started to wane on being happy in the present moment.
This trend got to a peak point eventually (it couldn’t have gone any other way), where I was so far in that I lost any sense of value of myself, both as a competent individual and as a human being currently inhabiting this planet. My entire focus became external. My sense of self love, value and acceptance had decreased to the point where it manifested itself in cautionary attitude and outlook on the future, and came from a place of fear as opposed to love. It had come to pass that because I gave that part of me that believed success was everything more power, it got to the point where it overwhelmed all other parts of me.
The pressure and intensity of needing to feel ‘useful’ and ‘validated’ got to a point where I became exhausted from the energy I needed to continuously feed it. Picture it like a cat that is overfed, the ones you see on the Internet that are practically morbidly obese, that was how far I had fed my insecure self that was entirely attached to outcome. The more success and validation I got from others, the more I needed it. Kinda similar to a drug addiction.
Because it became all consuming, it was at this point of intensity that I gave up. Something crashed. The part of me that had been running away from who I really was and where I was in life, that wanted to deny it because it was shameful and embarrassing, died. I felt like I had been scrambling and wasting my energy trying to keep this part of me calm but here’s the insight: no matter what I did it didn’t work. It was never fully satisfied.
Once I closed the loop on this self-sustaining yet exhausting mental/emotional mechanic that was churning away inside, I gave it up. Weary as I was from maintaining it, as I said, something had to give. But once I did that there was a prevalent peace, a kind of hush or quiet that I hadn’t experienced in months where I surrendered and accepted to how things had went and where they were now.
There was no denying where I was in life and it seemed neither good nor bad, it just was.
What happened then was a state of inner stillness; a peace and acceptance that didn’t make any positive external difference to my life, but an internal one that is just as important if not more than. I became detached from the outcome of changes that were currently happening in my life.
It can be difficult to not care about what happens to you in your life or what the future will be in terms of a result that you really want to manifest. The only thing I can say is this: that once you detach the outcome doesn’t matter anymore, and you’re free to fully experience the moment that you’re in. Life slows down when this is practised enough and paradoxically, the space you offer yourself when you let go will give you the perspective that you need so badly during a turbulent time in your life. You can try to push and pull for the result you want but at the end of the day, I’m finding more that certain events or situations unfold in their own time. And that’s my take on it now. Every new adventure you want or new horizon you want to reach happens naturally. Goal don’t need to be ignored, but there does need to be a realistic level of acceptance for the time required to achieve them. Detachment from the outcome and trusting your future instead of fearing it is the best way to appreciate the present moment, and embrace your future.